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Gnerphk's Infamous Amorphous Soup

NOTE: This is NOT the official soup of VGA Planets and Planets.nu. That can be found at this link, and was devised by the estimable and inimitable Tim Wisseman. Instead, this is my own design, based on my favorite modified gumbo. Quantities are approximate by design, largely because the best gumbo makes itself.

Required:

Right; it's about two or three hours until this is finished, so you're going to want to drink some of the wine now. In your frying pan, cook up the bacon, maybe half a dozen slices, maybe more. Remove the bacon, draw off and save the grease, and clean the pan. Then, put the grease back in and brown the chicken for about ten minutes. Wash your hands and eat the bacon while you're waiting, and don't forget the wine. Some toast might be good right now too.

Once the chicken is browned on both sides, add the sausage. If your pan isn't big enough, you can pull out the chicken first. Give it another few minutes, and if you need a little cooking oil, feel free to add it. Then, remove the meat and turn up the heat a little.

It's useful to have a lid for your frying pan in case of a grease fire. If there's a fire, you just cover it with the lid and that'll solve the problem. Don't forget to turn off the heat after.

Now, we're making the roux with the oil from the bacon, chicken, and sausage, plus the rye and white flour. Take an old brown penny and put it on the counter next to your stovetop; that's the color it will be when you're done. This will take a while, maybe as long as twenty minutes of constant attention (long sleeves will help here), so make sure you run to the bathroom (turn off the heat first!) and refill your wine as needed.

When you're ready, start stirring the flour into the hot oil a little at a time, first some rye, then some white, back and forth. Keep stirring it, and never let a spot sit without stirring in the pan for any length of time. Keep adding flour until it's a nice even texture, a bit thinner than tomato ketchup, and turn the heat down if the bare pan smokes while you stir. Keep it moving for a good ten minutes and maybe twenty.

A roux can crumb up on you, turning grainy. If it does, take it off the heat immediately and keep stirring. Add a quart or two of icy water to your stew pot and pour the roux in, then heat and stir. This can sometimes salvage it, smoothing it back out -- and sometimes not. If it does, add the Trinity directly to the pot.

Once the roux is dark enough for your taste -- darker is thinner and spicier; lighter is thicker and more bland -- reduce the heat and pour in the chopped onion, green pepper, and celery (called the Trinity ). Toss it in the roux, stirring until it's all covered, and keep cooking and stirring a while longer. Then, transfer it into the stew pot, which should be set to a medium heat. Add some water to the fry pan so it doesn't harden up and take it off the heat.

Now, add the chicken and sausage to the stew pot, plus broth (if you're using it) and water so it's all covered by an inch or two. Add bay leaves (count them; you'll have to remove them later) and salt (more if you're not using broth) and stir.

Take a break, drink some wine and maybe even water, and relax for a bit. Not too long, though; your gumbo needs you.

Once the pot is bubbling again, you can add a little water and keep stirring. Add water to the frying pan, slosh it around, and dump it into the stew pot. Do this a couple of times if you like; you might want to boil it in the pan. If you're adding tomatoes, now is the time. Stir the pot and cover. If you're not using tofu, clean the frying pan; you're done with that for the day; otherwise, lightly brown the tofu first.

If you've been keeping track of time, it's probably an hour or so since you started. That's good; you're a Planets player, and an hour is nothing to you. Set a timer for ninety minutes so you don't forget it, lower the heat a bit, and stir every now and again when you think about it. Maybe play a turn on your laptop or something. But do it nearby so you can stir on occasion and also keep the pot from boiling over.

Okay; it's been ninety minutes, and the smell is probably driving you mad. Perfect. You want to be a bit maddened with hunger when you boil the rice, which is what you should do now. In a separate pot, mind you; I'd thought these things went without saying, but I guess they don't.

While waiting for the water to boil, uncover the gumbo and find those bay leaves. Take 'em out; they don't chew easily. Then, turn up the heat, add the greens (if any), garlic, and okra (if any), cover with water, and stir. When the rice water is boiling, add the rice and reduce that heat a bit. Stir the rice thoroughly, but you only have to stir it once. Don't touch it again until it's done; just keep the heat enough so it keeps bubbling.

The gumbo should be bubbling again by now. Lower the heat some and cover it again. Good time to clear the table and get out bowls. You might also want some good bread, maybe baguettes or some artisan whole wheat, something with a nutty flavor. Taste a little some for yourself and drink a bit more wine.

Speaking of wine, now's a good time to add some to the gumbo if you want. Maybe half a bottle if there's that much left, but not too much. If you're hell-bent on using tofu, now's the time; otherwise, throw it away like a sane person. Also, you can add the spices and seasonings to taste -- definitely some black pepper and sweet basil, and probably a bit of everything else, but NOT the filé powder. Ideally, a taste will leave a nutty tang in your mouth.

The rice should be done; take it off the heat and drain it if there's too much water. You can drain it into the gumbo if you like, or not if you don't; all the same to me.

Finally, add any seafood and the shrimp (all cooked, plus the brine) to the gumbo. It should cook only a couple of minutes longer, after which it should come off the heat. Some people add filé powder at this point, but I like to put that on the table as a condiment.

Serve in bowls over rice, or if you want to be elegant, float a half-ball of rice on top of each bowl of gumbo. Truly fancy people sprinkle some fresh parsley and chopped green onion over the top. The hospitable will provide wine to the guests (if any), because by now it'll be quite obvious you've had some yourself, and it will never do to appear selfish.

Eat and enjoy.

NOTE: Once the leftovers (if any) cool, they can be refrigerated for a couple of days. Alternately, a good gumbo will freeze fine in portion-sized containers; it microwaves nicely in small amounts.

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